For a lost friend and lover

I am really sorry for the damage I have caused you. But today I want to talk about why I love you so much.

You were a kind, shy boy. You had so much to give. You were going through so much, all alone.

You learned to communicate. You learned to connect. You developed intimacy. We were best friends, weren't we?
I am sorry I couldn't handle both of our shits together. I still can't.

But do you remember how bonded, how in sync, how connected we were? We were the best.
You have taught me so much. About survival. About kindness. About learning to listen to others. About giving yourself completely to another person without fear of not being loved back.
You made me feel so loved I started to love myself too.

And somehow, I don't know when, where or why you started to grow up so much. You got out of my control (as if I had control over anything). You outgrew what I had to teach you and you became someone so fantastic I sometimes envy you.

You are brilliant. You are still kind, human, conscious. Brave. Full of this energy, this, this momentum. You got over me so fast. You became someone entirely new, better, all by yourself.

And I'm so fucking proud of you it's gonna make me cry again.

I am so. Fucking. Proud. Of who you have become. I can't believe I could still hurt you. How infantile of me. Do no harm, but take no shit.

I hope our paths meet again. And I hope that by then I'll be a better version of myself.
And I hope you will trust me one more time. And I swear I'll never hurt you again.

I am sorry.
I love you with all my heart and I will carry you with me wherever I go.
You were my lover, my friend and now you are someone I look up to.

You will find your peace.

We'll meet when the time is right.

For those who went through abuse

When you go through an abusive relationship... it changes you, and it changes the way you relate to people.
It seems like a key part of you is missing and you can't do thing right anymore.
You can't bond right. You can't relate right. You can't trust right. And you can't love right.

And opening up to a new relationship is challenging, scary and it takes time. And it seems like you're doing it all wrong all the time. But you're not.

Manipulation can really screw up someone's mind big time. And not only while you're being manipulated, it has its after-effects.
You lose your identity, your sense of self. You've been changed, shaped, manipulated into something else for so long you no longer remember who you used to be. It's crazy, I know.

You no longer know what really you and what's the person someone made you be.

Imagine going through all that, daily, while inn a relationship with another human being who has their own feelings, emotions, expectations and trauma. It's hella scary.

But I can tell you: There's no other way towards healing than facing it all with a kind and brave heart.

You know, living is scary. Living with trauma is even scarier. Living with trauma and dealing with other people's baggage is insane. But it's the only way.

Not everybody is out there to get you.
Some people just want to love and be loved back.
_

Que seja infinito enquanto dure.

Think only of happy thoughts

Today I cried.

I remembered an old friend, confidant and lover. A great teacher. A kind soul.

I came to the realization I could never resent or hate you for leaving me out of your safe space. I understand the reasons. The breakup was the worst I have ever had. It was honestly brutal, a painful realization which came to both of us at the same time. A decision that went against the heart but certainly toward logic.

It still hurts.

But today I chose to think of only happy moments and the first one that came to mind was that horrible barbecue with you know who right after the monogamous boy started dating the brand new non-monogamous girl.
I remember funny bits about it. I was drunk. Madly in love with you. Feeling loved by you the whole time.
But then it started raining. And I hurried downstairs to the open and felt the pouring rain trickle down my face and the feeling was wonderful. And when I opened my eyes I saw you following me.
We twirled, you kissed me. It was my first kiss in the rain and it's the best kiss in the rain I have ever had. It was so innocent.
I felt like a kid. And I loved you even more.

You taught me about myself. About life. About weird philosophers I won't remember the name. You always had a question ready for me. You poked words out of me. You taught me to communicate deeply with someone. You taught me what love really means.

I've had all kinds of love, but yours was the first who made me feel whole. You saw my flaws and you embraced me fully, you loved every rotten piece of me and I loved you back for it. You taught me kindness and how to reach a level of intimacy some people have never experienced. You taught me a lot.

I am only grateful to you.
And in some kind of way, I'm lost in the definitions, I still love you with all my heart.
Ever since we were strangers and you saved me from suicide just by being a kind honest soul.
_

From me, still broken, pursuing the best version of myself.
To myself, to everybody, but, specially, to O Alegorista.

Revival

I may be posting here again.
Maybe I'll post in English.
I won't ask for forgiveness for my grammar mistakes.

Fuck grammar.
Grammar is for dummies.

Marionete

Olha, talvez eu seja mesmo só aquela sem juízo, inconsequente, com cabelo pintado e piercing na cara.
Aquela que você não dá a mínima pq não segue os padrões dessa sociedade nojenta.
Aquela que não vai ser ninguém na vida só pq não quer se abaixar e levar sem questionar.

Talvez você seja a putinha do patriarcado. Do capitalismo.
É, talvez seja.

Talvez eu não deva me envergonhar de ser assim, rebelde, como vocês me chamam.
Talvez minha inconsequência me traga paz de espírito por saber exatamente quem eu sou e onde estou.
Talvez eu seja tudo o que um dia eu quis ser e você...
Ah, você...

Continua aí, usando fantasia de pessoa de bem. De pessoa direita. Que se submete a tudo o que o cafetão te manda fazer. E faz, hein, faz com gosto.

Enquanto isso, sou tudo o que sempre quis ser e continuo lutando por um mundo onde seguir seus prórpios sonhos não seja algo condenável.

É verdade que vou perder várias oportunidades por manter essa postura.
Mas prefiro me manter íntegra com meu eu a me vender por um preço tão barato.

O preço de ser marionete.

Negligência

06:30 da matina, passei a noite acordada e agora tô jogada na cama chorando e relembrando todo o mal que você me fez.
Você sabia que só agora, 1 ano depois, eu tô conseguindo controlar mais minha vontade de deixar de existir?
Você sabia que eu ainda choro por todos os amigos que perdi por causa de você?
Que eu não te perdôo por ter me ignorado e não me perdôo por ter confiado tanto em você?
Que não importa o quanto eu tente te tirar da minha vida, eu não consigo, pq você tá impregnado na essência de quem eu sou?

Espero que fique bem claro também o motivo pelo qual ainda estou devastada.
Não foi por amor. Foi por amizade.
Foi por negligência em um momento tão frágil da minha vida.
Foi por ter virado a cara pra mim quando eu precisava de alguém pra conversar.

Sabe, eu costumava dizer que você era um ótimo ouvinte.
Hoje acho que fingia que ouvia. Se me ouvisse mesmo, me conheceria. Se me conhecesse, não teria feito isso.

Feridas

Eu sou uma mulher feita de feridas.
Nutro e cuido de cada uma delas como uma loba cuida de suas crias.
Elas me fazem quem eu sou.

Não tenho exatamente orgulho delas.
Orgulho é uma palavra muito forte.
Mas elas são parte de mim. Elas moldaram quem sou.

Elas doem, sangram, machucam,
Às vezes são amigas, coçam pra me alertar.
Me fazem blindagem contra o mal do mundo.

Mas quando a tempestade chega e não posso controlá-lás,
Todas sangram, uníssonas, me lembrando de quem realmente sou.

Um brinquedo quebrado com uma atitude petulante.