For a lost friend and lover

I am really sorry for the damage I have caused you. But today I want to talk about why I love you so much.

You were a kind, shy boy. You had so much to give. You were going through so much, all alone.

You learned to communicate. You learned to connect. You developed intimacy. We were best friends, weren't we?
I am sorry I couldn't handle both of our shits together. I still can't.

But do you remember how bonded, how in sync, how connected we were? We were the best.
You have taught me so much. About survival. About kindness. About learning to listen to others. About giving yourself completely to another person without fear of not being loved back.
You made me feel so loved I started to love myself too.

And somehow, I don't know when, where or why you started to grow up so much. You got out of my control (as if I had control over anything). You outgrew what I had to teach you and you became someone so fantastic I sometimes envy you.

You are brilliant. You are still kind, human, conscious. Brave. Full of this energy, this, this momentum. You got over me so fast. You became someone entirely new, better, all by yourself.

And I'm so fucking proud of you it's gonna make me cry again.

I am so. Fucking. Proud. Of who you have become. I can't believe I could still hurt you. How infantile of me. Do no harm, but take no shit.

I hope our paths meet again. And I hope that by then I'll be a better version of myself.
And I hope you will trust me one more time. And I swear I'll never hurt you again.

I am sorry.
I love you with all my heart and I will carry you with me wherever I go.
You were my lover, my friend and now you are someone I look up to.

You will find your peace.

We'll meet when the time is right.